I find that wanting to get myself off rarely has anything to do with him, though my brain will try to make it about him: "but what if he wants to have sex later -- shouldn't you be fresh and ready just in case?" This is so puritan of me that I just can't stand it. It makes no sense. Sometimes I can manage to reach orgasm more than once per day, but I tend to enjoy myself whether I've already reached one or not. Sometimes I can tell that he's trying for it and explain briefly that being goal oriented isn't a necessity, and it works out fine. But there's some small, nattering part of my brain that says that I ... owe him my orgasms, rather than having them for me when I feel like it.
I only started having clitoral orgasms with a vibrator in 1995, and first came during oral sex from him in '98, after we'd been going out for over four years (big, long, polyamory and divorce story skipped for brevity). I eventually realized a few things:
- I come when I'm relaxed. A stressful life and/or sleeping with someone generally prevents me from coming
- I'm more likely to reach orgasm when I fantasize
- If I've only reached clitoral orgasms with a vibrator, it stands to reason that I'd need that sort of sensation from a partner
These were all very slow lessons to learn. Fantasies were "weird thoughts." Since my life was stressful and, before my divorce, it never occurred to me that mistrust of my husband and other tensions were freezing me up, it was only hindsight that future experimentation that taught me about stress. Exact stimulation -- that was one I was fighting for weeks once I realized it, because I felt so embarrassed about asking for it. But my lover was feeling somewhat badly about it after I was living on my own, taking it personally thing things hadn't changed for me sexually.
Which might be part of my guilt-thing: I haven't really reconciled that coming with him at all is certainly good enough, rather than denying myself pleasure just in case our sex drives are in synch and we're feeling forward enough to suggest it.
I like the idea of this community. It's nice to be able to post on this topic without having to worry about giving the people on my Friends list tmi. :)